When we reflect back on the day we got married, many of us are overcome by the emotions of happiness, excitement, fulfillment, and love, that came with that momentous date. From the bride’s dress, the groom’s tuxedo, the wedding party, the location of the wedding, and all of the guest – we often remember that day as being, at least, near perfect if not perfect. Even the vows that were spoken offered both parties the perceived promise that their union would last forever. This day was supposed to be the beginning of our happily ever after.
As the months and years pass by, life happens. Kids are born. A family is built. Successes are celebrated while defeats are consoled. Then one day, the unthinkable happens – either the husband or wife is diagnosed as having a terminal and/or life threatening illness or disease. In one moment, the happily ever after turns into uncertainty, panic, fear, and disbelief.
Impact on the Marriage
The diagnosis of having a terminal and/or life threatening illness or disease is enough to derail the most elaborate plan that any couple has made regarding their future. This type of diagnosis is different from being told that you have the common cold or flu, which will only last a few days. For the one diagnosed, it means that the remainder of their life will be different from how it has been. As Dr. Amelia Karraker, professor at Iowa State University, stated in a recent study on divorce cases involving such diagnoses:
“there is a difference between feeling too sick to make dinner and needing someone to actually feed you”.
Besides the necessary lifestyle changes that frequently come with such a medical diagnosis, treatment options can quickly place the family in a financial crisis. This financial strain is further exaggerated if the sick individual is no longer able to work, which is not uncommon depending on the actual medical issue. All of this, as Dr. Karraker suggests, is a major predictor of divorce.
Who is Diagnosed?
Based on the results of Dr. Karraker’s study, when the wife is diagnosed with a terminal and/or life threatening illness or disease, the likelihood of divorce is increased. There was no change in the probability of divorce when the husband is diagnosed.
Granted, this doesn’t mean that every marriage in which the wife is diagnosed with such illness or disease will end in divorce, as the study noted that there are factors that influence the choice to divorce, such as the strength of the marital relationship and the seriousness of the life threatening disease. Most notably, it found that if the wife was diagnosed as having had a stroke or heart problems, there was an even greater risk of divorce than if the diagnosis was for cancer or lung disease.
Why the Difference?
Deciding to divorce someone due, at least in part, to their being diagnosed with a terminal and/or life threatening illness seems to be very cruel and heartless. In addition, it also seems to indicate that the healthier individual, in this case the husband, doesn’t take their marriage vows serious, right? Well, this isn’t necessarily accurate as there are several factors that may provide a better explanation as to why a divorce may be preferred in these situations.
In most cases, men are generally not use to taking care of others. By and large, the wife normally assumes the caretaking role within the family unit. In this case, the ill wife may actually be the one to initiate divorce because she doesn’t feel as though the husband is adequately prepared or able to physically take care of her, even if he is trying to. This decision to divorce is even more likely if there were problems within the marriage prior to the diagnosis. In her study, Dr. Karraker puts it rather bluntly by saying:
“It could be that women are saying, āYouāre doing a bad job of caring for me. Iām not happy with this, or I wasnāt happy with the relationship to begin with, and Iād rather be alone than be in a bad marriage.”
Additionally, the husband who is attempting to take care of his ill wife, may realize that he is unable to do so at the level that she deserves. For instance, if the husband still works, it may be impossible for him to provide 24/7 physical care for his wife.
The social arrangements for the wife and husband are normally drastically different. It is common for the wife to have the physical and emotional support of other friends and family members. On the other hand, the husbands usually rely on their wives for physical and emotional support which leads them to not have an extended network of support necessary for such trying and emotional times.
The Role of Mediation
In situations where a terminal and/or life threatening illness or disease diagnosis may be causing you to think about getting a divorce, mediation can help.
Mediation may be able to help you and your spouse remain married in the event that you both prefer to be together rather than get a divorce. In addition, mediation can help both individuals understand each other and what each of you need in life as a result of the diagnosis. Mediation can help both of you develop a plan to provide each other with the support, care, and treatment that you both need.
If you are certain that you want a divorce, mediation can certainly assist both individuals reach a divorce agreement that is equitable. In this type situation, mediation may be preferred over taking the case to court due to the expedited nature of a mediated divorce. More plainly, divorce settlements are frequently reached more quickly in mediation than they are by taking the case to court. The more timely process of settling the divorce enables the both parties to have peace while enabling the ill person to be able to focus on their treatment and quality of life.
If you and/or your spouse are considering a divorce, the Center for Dispute Resolution is here to assist both of you. We specialize in marital mediation, which is better known as mediation to remain married, pro se divorce, and divorce cases where at least one party is suffering from a terminal or life threatening illness of disability. If you want your divorce to be as stress-free as possible or if you would like to salvage your marriage, contact the Center for Dispute Resolution to find out how we can help. Or feel free to complete the new client form in order to start the process of regaining peace and balance in your life.
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