3 Strategies to Quit Arguing
We’ve all had moments where we find ourselves in the middle of a heated argument. Regardless of whether the conflict is with our spouse, significant other, family member, friend, or coworker, these type of exchanges are never fun. In fact, disputes can happen so fast that we’re often left wondering what happened and why has our conversation turned heated.
Disagreements are a part of life and every relationship. Unfortunately, most of us have limited skills in knowing how to de-escalate the tension during these emotional moments. If anything, we often do or say things that frequently make the argument worse or, better yet, we simply ignore it in an effort to try to avoid conflict. The reality is that avoiding conflict does not make the matter disappear as it normally makes matters worse as the underlying problem is able to fester and grow. Other times, we may simply give in to the other party for the sake of peace but this often leaves us with resentment and sore feelings towards the other person.
So what do we do in these moments of disagreement? Fortunately, there are strategies that all of us can learn to help us defuse these heated exchanges in order for both individuals to become more calm and collected so that rational discussions can be made. The following three strategies are effective ways to help you remain calm in these emotional moments – which will also help keep the other person more calm as well.
Truly listen to the other person. All too often when we are in the midst of an argument, the last thing that we really want to do it honestly listen to the other person. In fact, what listening we do is often for the sake of helping us “reload” so that we can launch a verbal counterattack when we’re given the chance to speak again. Once we’re given the chance to speak, the other side does the exact same thing – in the end, neither person is listening to what the other is saying, which only helps to raise the temperature of the exchange. So, instead of doing that, try to remove all barriers and distracting thoughts from your mind so that you can truly focus on what the other person is saying. Don’t simply listen to this but after they speak, paraphrase what they just said and ask questions for clarification and to ensure that you fully understood what they were intending to say. This alone will cause the other party to de-escalate and to begin to communicate more calmly because we’ve all grown accustomed to not being truly heard when we are involved in arguments.
Avoid assigning intent to the other person. Another thing that we frequently do in the middle of a disagreement is to assume what the other person’s intent was. When we do this, we very rarely claim that the other person had good intentions. Instead, we often assign bad intentions to their behaviors in an effort to cast blame. Unfortunately, this is counter productive because when we assign intent, the other party will naturally become more defensive and the verbal exchange becomes even more heated. The fallacy with this is that none of us are really able to understand or predict what the intent of the other person truly was – when we assign intent, we are simply guessing and assuming which can easily be wrong. Instead of assigning intent, approach an argument with the assumption that the other side has or had good and honest intentions. While this can be difficult to do, the reality is that rarely will someone go out of their way to intentionally harm or negatively impact another person. By approaching the situation with the thought that the other person had good intentions, you are able to remain calm and are better able to see the situation from the perspective of the other individual. Doing this will automatically cause the other person to become less emotional and more willing to have a productive discussion about the matter with you.
Seek understanding. We approach most arguments from the stance that we are going to persuade the other person that we are right and that they are wrong. This not only causes others to become defensive but it also prevents us from truly understanding the position and perspective of the other person. When you find yourself in the middle of an argument, try to understand why the other person feels as passionately as they do about the matter. Too often we simply get stuck on their position, the “yes, I agree” or “no, I don’t agree” stance that they have. Rarely do we look beyond the surface of the argument to uncover the underlying reasons for their particular stance. Why do they feel this way? Why is this matter important to them? What made them get upset of this? Those are just some of the questions that we should be seeking answers to when in a dispute in order to understand the other person and what led to the disagreement.
While there are many other strategies that can help you to quit arguing, these three particular strategies can effectively help you regain peace and end the argument. If you feel as if you need additional help in resolving an argument that you may be in, please reach out to us at The Center for Dispute Resolution. Regardless of whether it is through conflict coaching, mediation, or arbitration, we can help you in your moment of need to end the emotional and heated conversations that you have been struggling with.
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